weaselfreelance

It was either a loose wire in her deck, or the chems that swarmed her veins, but Alice could hear this soft hum as she dove through the barriers of the network.  The white_rabbit worm she sent ahead of her cleared a path, but it was fast and the holes closed almost as soon as they opened.  Luck, or skill, or expensive designer drugs that made her nerves sing kept her a few steps ahead of the ice. Finally she came out the other side and found herself within the vast datascape that made up Regina Inc.’s Red Division.  Wonderland, it was nicknamed due to its lack to logical sense.  To many tourists this land would be a nightmare, but to t

I didn’t want you to be there. It’s not fair to you. It’s not fair to them. It was fair for me. There wasn’t meant to be this much flair. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I didn’t mean to hurt them. I only meant to hurt me. It feels odd, after this time, to clear the air. I can’t make it up to you. I can’t make it up to them. Can I make it up to me? So you can go ahead and just stare. I didn’t do this for you. I didn’t do this for them. I did this for me. It’s too late but I can hear the sirens blare. They can come for you. They can come for them. But it’s just too late for

It hurts but I can’t stop, I keep coming back, To you, to here, to this. Please, let’s go somewhere, Anywhere but here, I don’t know if I can go alone. I know I shouldn’t go with you, I should just walk away, leave you, Go anywhere, with anyone. But I’m here again, with you. It hurts, but I won’t stop. Please just make me stop.

I know you are there I know you are listening You always are But I’m not making a sound I’m screaming so loud My lungs burn and my throat hurts But I’m not making a sound I’m not worth all this I can see in your eyes, I’m not blind It hurts you to watch me It burns to see me smolder Maybe I was a burning fire I’m not anymore and you You are left cold and in the dark Watching something you cared Still care so much about Fade away into nothing I know you are there I know you are listening You always are Please stop

One more pill, Another failed attempt, Another set of side effects, I’ll never get rid of. Like sins and regrets, These consequences, The well intentioned effects, Keep piling up on top of me. What’s one more headache? Twitching or weight gain? Less time spent not huddled in my bed? It’s just part of the experience. One more pill, Another desperate scrip, Trying to find the money, Another call to the doctor. The dreaded questions, “What medication have you taken?”, “How much, how often?”, Curling in, a robotic “I don’t know.”

I can’t burn anymore, My fire’s gone out. Still I shamble on. I can’t fight anymore, My weapon’s broken. Still my hands make fists. I can’t love any more, My heart’s too scarred. Still I try to open up. Just leave me to die, Never been difficult before. Still you look back.

Lord, please save me from a lover’s embrace. The way he crushes the life from me, I just can’t bare being loved that way. Lord, please save me from a lover’s gaze. The way she adores me, and sees me as clean, I just can’t bare being seen that way. Lord, please save me from a lover’s care. The way I can never fall on cold ground, I just can’t bare them holding me up anymore.

In our cold cupped hands. We held out for hope, but failed. Trying not to burn, Cradling a dying ember. A cigarette for the lost.